|
|---|
|
|
FAQ
Q: Do you offer overnight Fed Ex or USPS Express mail?
Q: Why do you use Paypal? Lots of other companies allow you to accept credit card payments.
Q: I may trust Paypal but why should I Trust Two Lumps of Coal?
Q: Someone sent me some coal? What does it mean? Am I a bad person?
Q: Someone send me a Coal Christmas Tree Ornament? What does it mean?
Q: Can I get Two Lumps to send coal to someone I hate?
Q: Why should I buy lumps of coal from you? I could go to EBay or elsewhere.
Q: How do I get the most coal for my money?
Q: Are your lumps of coal really just dumb rocks from Texas sprayed painted with black paint?
Q: Why shouldn’t I just give people fruitcake for the Holidays?
Q: If I get cold, can I burn my coal?
Q: OK. What’s the deal on Shipping and Handling? How did you ever come up with such a cockamamie scheme?
A: OK. Here’s the link to the Shipping and Handling Charges. Here's the reasoning. It’s the old simplicity versus fairness trade off. We decided on simplicity because, if we didn’t, all of us would spend all our Holidays doing all sorts of calculations. In a perfect world, we would have an online shipping system that would calculate shipping according to exact weight of each item. But Paypal’s system works only with a simple add-on shipping cost per purchase price range. Feedback and suggestions, complaints welcome. (If your complaints are obnoxious enough, we might send you some free coal for bad behavior . . . next year.) All things considered, we tried to keep shipping and handling to an absolute minimum without us losing our shirts.
Q: What are the shipping and handling costs if I want to send different packages to different addresses?
A: Shipping and handling charges apply separately to each address. For example, if you want us to send coal to ten different recipients, we have to charge $6.00 plus $3.00 for each package. For example, if you want us to send ten bags to five places (a pair of bags to five destinations), the cost would be $6.00 plus $6.00 (for coal item, bag or ornament) plus $4.00 (S&H) for each of the five addresses.
A: Yes, but we only recommend it if you really, really want it. (We pack our items very well, in strong boxes and ship with the United States Postal Service.) We can’t be responsible for Post Office actions, but we have found them to be very reliable. If you want insurance, we charge $1.25. If you are buying through Option 1, click it as an "Add to Cart" item and it will be added to your total. If you are buying through Option 2 or Option 3, let us know in your email that you want insurance. Here’s how (I guess) we'll work the insurance. We will buy the insurance through our electronic postage provider, Endicia. If your item is lost or damaged in shipping, let us know, and we’ll work as quickly as possible to replace the item.
Q: Do you offer overnight Fed Ex or USPS Express Mail?
A: Sorry. Not yet. We are set up—theoretically—to do Express Mail, but the cost is really exorbitant. But the real reason is the fact that one of us goes to school every day and the other one works. We can’t prepare packages to ship in the afternoon. We will prepare them for shipment every evening and mail them bright and early the very next morning at the Post Office. Priority Mail ought to do fine.
Q: Why do you use Paypal? Lots of other companies allow you to accept credit card payments.
A: Paypal is owned by Ebay, the online auction giant, whose net income in 2004 was over three-quarters of a billion dollars. Paypal is the largest online payment company in the world. Their entire business is built around security and trust. It’s in their self interest to work hard to protect your private information.
If you decide to buy, you will be directed to the Paypal site. (There will be a “Two Lumps” logo across the top to let you know you’re in the right place, but you are really at the Paypal site. It will have "https" at the beginning of the URL. ) After you finish the money transactions, you will be returned to the Two Lumps of Coal site. We, here at Two Lumps of Coal, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER see your credit card information. Other Paypal security measures are described here . A slight downside to Paypal is the fact that you have to "sign up" with them. But it's quick, pretty painless and very, very safe. We get no spam from them.
Q: I may trust Paypal but, why should I Trust Two Lumps of Coal?
A: OK. You’re cautious. You’re fine with sending your money to Paypal but how the heck do you know we’ll actually send you the coal? Well, in the age of the Electric Internet, that’s a harder question to answer. But we’ll give it a go.
- We’d be terribly stupid to try and defraud people for a few dollars at a time. That’s why real crooks pretend to sell more expensive items such as fake Rolexes and counterfeit pharmaceuticals.
- We are a verified Paypal member. That means Paypal has checked out that we really do exist. And we really are who we are. Our problem is that—being new—the number of verified buyers is pathetically small. You can help us make that number bigger.
- If you are really a skeptic, go ahead and email us here. We’ll respond with more information on exactly who we are that you can check out on the web. We would prefer at this point not to put our full address on the web for privacy, spam and solicitation and security reasons. [After we applied for a Texas Sales Tax Permit, salespeople started ringing our phone off the hook from trying to sell US stuff.]
Q: Someone sent me some coal? Does it mean I am a bad person?
A: Not necessarily. Yes, in traditional Christmas culture, coal signifies that you have been bad. But in other cultures, receiving coal is a good thing. Coal is one of the traditional gifts of the Scottish New Year celebration, Hogmanay. There’s always the possibility that you are loved.
Q: Someone send me a Coal Christmas Tree Ornament? What does it mean?
A: It could mean one of two things: 1) You've been bad. or 2) Someone thought you might like a nice Christmas tree ornament. You will have to decide which it is.
Q: I got a package from Two Lumps of Coal.com. There was a cute card inside, but who REALLY sent me the coal?
A: If the coal you received was sent to you directly from Two Lumps of Coal.com anonymously (Option 3), then you may e-mail us and we will tell you who sent the coal.
If the coal was not sent to you from us, but has our logo somewhere on the package, you can look at the package’s return address. We don’t know which of our customers thought you might need some coal.
Q: Can I get Two Lumps to send coal to someone I hate?
A: Sure you can. Just know that we will not write any mean or nasty messages on our cards. If you want to have a mean message on your card, you must have it shipped to you (Option 1). After you receive it, you may give it to anyone you want. See Order/Buy page.
Q: Why should I buy lumps of coal from you? I could go to EBay or elsewhere.
A: Others selling coal consider it so-called “gag” or “novelty” gift, and the product is often small and crumbly. Our coal is not. We take our coal very seriously. We think sending coal is a way of helping people truly communicate. Like, the "Cap’t" in Cool Hand Luke often commented, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.” We’re helping people fix that.
Q: Why else should I buy lumps of coal from you?
A: Our Research and Development team has spent years (OK, well, months) researching the best—not cheapest—ways to process, package and ship our premium coal to you, the discriminating customer. Many fixatives are much less expensive, but they look cheap. Plastic bags are cheaper that pure cotton drawstring bags. Cheap packing peanuts crumble and stick to your hands and hair with static electricity. (Actually, darnnit, that may be a ‘plus’ now that we think about it.) Two-color card printing is much cheaper than laser four-color. Our shipping boxes are strong. The list goes on and on.
Q: How do I get the most coal for my money?
A: S&H per item goes down the more items you buy. S&H details.
Q: Are your lumps of coal really just dumb rocks from Texas spray painted with black paint?
A: Of course not! Remember 5th grade geography. There are three general categories of coal: lignite, bituminous, and anthracite. Lignite is brown and dirty. Bituminous is better than Lignite, but Anthracite is best, the most pure, the most full of energy. We sell only premium anthracite.
Q: What about “Lumpy, the Chunk of Christmas Coal”[TM] that some are selling out there? I heard it is really awesome. It’s made of durable plastic, has batteries and sings some songs. Someone said it’s sound activated!!! Why aren’t you selling Lumpy?
A: Our coal is not plastic. It is not intended to make people “get ready to laugh with humorous antics.”
Q: Why shouldn’t I just give people fruitcake for the Holidays?
A: Because “Two Lumps of Fruitcake” doesn’t sound that appetizing?
Q: If I get cold, can I burn my coal?
A: We don’t recommend it. The lumps are coated with a safe fixative, but we can’t imagine that it’s that wise to burn our coated lumps. Heck, coal soot even from regular lumps is not that great for the lungs. Ever heard of the Great Smog of 1952?